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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Barely
Sex
Humor
Funny
Remember
Best
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
Chelsea Handler
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
Chelsea Handler
You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
Chelsea Handler
I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
Chelsea Handler
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
Chelsea Handler
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
Chelsea Handler
I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
Chelsea Handler
I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
Chelsea Handler
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
Chelsea Handler
I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.
Chelsea Handler
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
Chelsea Handler
A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
Chelsea Handler
You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
Chelsea Handler
Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
Chelsea Handler
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close I can do that at home.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler
I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality that you can't forsake. You can get opinions, but you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen when you're envisioning something.
Chelsea Handler
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
Chelsea Handler
