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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Shows
Drinking
Drinker
Ideas
Heavy
Drinkers
People
Girls
Yelling
Show
Openly
Fact
Confuse
Idea
Screaming
Girl
Discuss
Facts
Wasted
Vomiting

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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest in public school, you learn from your teacher and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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