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The important thing is to be drunk.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Drunk
Important
Thing

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
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A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
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Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
Chelsea Handler
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We women have to stick together.
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My life and my legs have been an open book.
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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