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The important thing is to be drunk.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Thing
Drunk
Important

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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can, I think, not only lower your IQ, but really just knock the wind out of you, because we're all here in this business.
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.
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Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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