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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Dog

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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
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There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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