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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Dog

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Chelsea Handler
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Chelsea Handler
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
Chelsea Handler
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For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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