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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Since
Funny
Margarita
Make
Thursday
Tuesday
Exception
Usually
Humor
Comedy

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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can, I think, not only lower your IQ, but really just knock the wind out of you, because we're all here in this business.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
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Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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