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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Matter
Tells
Something
Instinct
Believe
Offers
Always
Listen
Never
Stupid
Trust
Instincts
Anyone
Meaningless
May
Offer
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.
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I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
Chelsea Handler
No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
Chelsea Handler
Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
Chelsea Handler
I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
Chelsea Handler
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
Chelsea Handler
That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Chelsea Handler
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler
My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
Chelsea Handler
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
Chelsea Handler
