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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Tells
Capacity

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
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Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Chelsea Handler
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
Chelsea Handler
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A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
Chelsea Handler
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
Chelsea Handler
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
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I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
Chelsea Handler
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
Chelsea Handler
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
Chelsea Handler
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
Chelsea Handler
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Chelsea Handler
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
Chelsea Handler
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Chelsea Handler