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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Sometimes
Thing
Good
Voluptuous
Chelsea
Wonder

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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
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Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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