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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Things
Never
Tact
Friends
Really

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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
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We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.
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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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