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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Friends
Really
Things
Never
Tact

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I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.
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I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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We women have to stick together.
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
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We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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