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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Never
Tact
Friends
Really
Things

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
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Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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