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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Really
Things
Never
Tact
Friends

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Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
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Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
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I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
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The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
Chelsea Handler