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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
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Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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Drinking
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
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It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
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