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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Word
Drinker
Funny
Drinkers
Think
Alcoholic
Thinking
Alcoholics
Like
Advanced
Beer
Drinking
Humor

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Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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