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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Funny
Skills
True
Lies
Negotiation
Every
Strength
Reminded
Time
Humor
George
Like
Effort
Bush
Reading
Forth
Ability
Drinking
Lying
Tried

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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.
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