Quote

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
True
Lies
Negotiation
Every
Strength
Reminded
Time
Humor
George
Like
Effort
Bush
Reading
Forth
Ability
Drinking
Lying
Tried
Funny
Skills

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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
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Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
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I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
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Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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