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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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Fifth
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Yesterday
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Humor

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
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[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
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