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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Party
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Two
Chelsea
Kind
Collect
People
Alcohol
Drinking
Kinds
Drink
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Stickers
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
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There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
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I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
Chelsea Handler
