Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison and other people just hate him regular.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

My wife said to me, I want to be cremated. I said, How about Tuesday?

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Hawk's Nest.' Nobody entered that nest that didn't leave a little richer and a little wiser. And that 11-year-old boy said, 'Isn't that a wonderful thing.' And that's all there is to it.