My wife said to me, I want to be cremated. I said, How about Tuesday?

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Hawk's Nest.' Nobody entered that nest that didn't leave a little richer and a little wiser. And that 11-year-old boy said, 'Isn't that a wonderful thing.' And that's all there is to it.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison and other people just hate him regular.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.