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My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

Bruce Lansky

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Bruce Lansky
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Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.
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I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
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Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
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When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'
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We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.
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On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.
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I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.
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My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.
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Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
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What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?
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The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.
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The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
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In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.
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