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My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Brian Regan
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Brian Regan
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More quotes by Brian Regan
Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.
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As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.
Brian Regan
Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge. But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Let's use the spoon. I like to consider myself the big bowl-like area of the spoon that holds all the stuff you like.
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Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.
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Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background.
Brian Regan
I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isn't ready now and then? It's not a big deal.
Brian Regan
I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”. What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? “Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan”.
Brian Regan
Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.
Brian Regan
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Brian Regan
I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
Brian Regan
I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.
Brian Regan
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?
Brian Regan
Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.
Brian Regan
How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today.
Brian Regan
I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend something new with a strong bit before and a strong bit afterwards. But it's fun to run on virgin snow. I like that feeling onstage of creating new footprints and not knowing what's going to happen.
Brian Regan
I like to go on stage with a variety, with some stuff that's been around for a handful of years, some stuff from the last year, some stuff is from last week, and some stuff is brand spanking new. Those are the moments that excite me - when I'm coming up to a brand new bit. The more virgin the snow, the more fun it is to run on.
Brian Regan
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?
Brian Regan
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.
Brian Regan
I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the comedians laugh - I'm also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh.
Brian Regan
You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.
Brian Regan