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I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.

Brian Regan

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Brian Regan
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More quotes by Brian Regan

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Superhero power... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I think walls are there for a reason. People put them up for a reason. You don't want to be looking through them. That would only cause nothing but misery and angst to know what's happening behind people's walls.
Brian Regan
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I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
Brian Regan
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I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
Brian Regan
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I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Brian Regan
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Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Brian Regan
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I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”. What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? “Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan”.
Brian Regan
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I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
Brian Regan
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I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.
Brian Regan
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It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.
Brian Regan
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I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!
Brian Regan
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The bigger the show, the weirder it is.
Brian Regan
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I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. That's all I'm trying to say.
Brian Regan
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Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think it's different. It's different. There's rock music, there's jazz music, there's reggae music: All of those forms are different.
Brian Regan
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If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?
Brian Regan
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I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isn't ready now and then? It's not a big deal.
Brian Regan
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I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.
Brian Regan
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The big yellow one is the sun!
Brian Regan
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I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! I'm the two plate guy! CLANK! CLANK! Anyone wanna spot me? CLANK! CLANK!
Brian Regan
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A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.
Brian Regan
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My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Brian Regan