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It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.

Brian Regan

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Brian Regan
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More quotes by Brian Regan

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Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Brian Regan
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I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
Brian Regan
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I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, Huh, maybe that's a bit.
Brian Regan
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I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
Brian Regan
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I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?
Brian Regan
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You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.
Brian Regan
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I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
Brian Regan
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If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading?
Brian Regan
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I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do I feel very lucky to be able to do what I do, and I never get tired of it. Every time I'm backstage before a show and I feel the murmur of the crowd, it's just incredibly exciting. And I consider myself very fortunate to be able to do this for a job. It's a great life.
Brian Regan
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I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.
Brian Regan
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My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Brian Regan
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I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.
Brian Regan
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As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.
Brian Regan
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Superhero power... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I think walls are there for a reason. People put them up for a reason. You don't want to be looking through them. That would only cause nothing but misery and angst to know what's happening behind people's walls.
Brian Regan
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I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! I'm the two plate guy! CLANK! CLANK! Anyone wanna spot me? CLANK! CLANK!
Brian Regan
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When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when they laugh you know that you're connecting. Laughing is an honest reaction and it's something that I can trust, and I love that feeling of knowing that I connected.
Brian Regan
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I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Brian Regan
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I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that.
Brian Regan
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I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
Brian Regan
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Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?
Brian Regan