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If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

Brian Regan

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Brian Regan
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I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
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I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
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I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. That's all I'm trying to say.
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I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane the subject matter, the more interesting it is to me.
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Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can see all of the disinterested people. You see the audience, but then behind the audience you see people eating ice cream, going for a walk.
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I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.
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You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?
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You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.
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As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.
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You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.
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A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.
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Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!
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Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think it's different. It's different. There's rock music, there's jazz music, there's reggae music: All of those forms are different.
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How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today.
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Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.
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I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do I feel very lucky to be able to do what I do, and I never get tired of it. Every time I'm backstage before a show and I feel the murmur of the crowd, it's just incredibly exciting. And I consider myself very fortunate to be able to do this for a job. It's a great life.
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Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
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The big yellow one is the sun!
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I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?
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I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
Brian Regan