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If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?
Brian Regan
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More quotes by Brian Regan
As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.
Brian Regan
If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading?
Brian Regan
I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.
Brian Regan
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.
Brian Regan
Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.
Brian Regan
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?
Brian Regan
I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when they laugh you know that you're connecting. Laughing is an honest reaction and it's something that I can trust, and I love that feeling of knowing that I connected.
Brian Regan
Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background.
Brian Regan
The big yellow one is the sun!
Brian Regan
I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!
Brian Regan
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Brian Regan
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Brian Regan
How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today.
Brian Regan
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?
Brian Regan
Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!
Brian Regan
I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.
Brian Regan
I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.
Brian Regan
Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?
Brian Regan
Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.
Brian Regan