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I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Bob Monkhouse

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Bob Monkhouse
Age: 75 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 1
Died: 2003
Died: December 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Bromley
Kent
Robert Alan Monkhouse
Thinking
Phrase
Michael
Phrases
Familiar
Saws
Glenn
Close
Specialist
Asked
Douglas
Think
Specialists

More quotes by Bob Monkhouse

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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
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I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
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I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
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I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
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Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
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Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
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I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse