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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Bob Monkhouse

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Bob Monkhouse
Age: 75 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 1
Died: 2003
Died: December 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Bromley
Kent
Robert Alan Monkhouse
Wife
Alarms
Funny
Gym
Use
Cook
Uses
Cooks
Smoke
Comedy
Timer
Saying
Alarm

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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
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Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
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I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
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I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
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Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
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Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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