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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Bob Monkhouse
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Bob Monkhouse
Age: 75 †
Born: 1928
Born: June 1
Died: 2003
Died: December 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Writer
Bromley
Kent
Robert Alan Monkhouse
Uses
Cooks
Smoke
Comedy
Timer
Saying
Alarm
Wife
Alarms
Funny
Gym
Use
Cook
More quotes by Bob Monkhouse
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
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I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
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Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
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I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
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Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
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I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
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Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
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It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
Bob Monkhouse
