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I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.
Bo Burnham
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Bo Burnham
Age: 34
Born: 1990
Born: August 21
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Musician
Pianist
Poet
Rapper
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Television Actor
Hamilton
Massachusetts
Robert Pickering Bo Burnham
Robert Pickering Burnham
Masturbate
Lows
Standards
Whose
Cause
Causes
Enough
More quotes by Bo Burnham
I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer
Bo Burnham
If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
Bo Burnham
And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
Bo Burnham
I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.
Bo Burnham
I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.
Bo Burnham
I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it's totally not, which is why I'm trying to get away from it because it's just easy and automatic.
Bo Burnham
I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.
Bo Burnham
I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.
Bo Burnham
Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.
Bo Burnham
The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.
Bo Burnham
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
Bo Burnham
I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro! I don't know if that's the answer for me. Do I really want to make a joke about a miscarriage when a woman in the audience might have had one? I don't worship comedy at the end of the day I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.
Bo Burnham
Do you guys like impressions? Why? That was Socrates.
Bo Burnham
I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.
Bo Burnham
Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.
Bo Burnham
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
Bo Burnham
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.
Bo Burnham
Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.
Bo Burnham
I don't like calling myself a feminist only because I don't think I've done anything active enough to call myself one. It'd be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I'm not racist.
Bo Burnham
Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.
Bo Burnham