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I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Bo Burnham

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Bo Burnham
Age: 34
Born: 1990
Born: August 21
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Musician
Pianist
Poet
Rapper
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Television Actor
Hamilton
Massachusetts
Robert Pickering Bo Burnham
Robert Pickering Burnham
Masturbate
Lows
Standards
Whose
Cause
Causes
Enough

More quotes by Bo Burnham

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Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.
Bo Burnham
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I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
Bo Burnham
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I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
Bo Burnham
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I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.
Bo Burnham
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I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.
Bo Burnham
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I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.
Bo Burnham
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And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
Bo Burnham
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If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.
Bo Burnham
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Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.
Bo Burnham
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If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
Bo Burnham
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Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
Bo Burnham
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I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it's totally not, which is why I'm trying to get away from it because it's just easy and automatic.
Bo Burnham
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I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.
Bo Burnham
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I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.
Bo Burnham
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Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
Bo Burnham
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When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
Bo Burnham
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I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.
Bo Burnham
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I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro! I don't know if that's the answer for me. Do I really want to make a joke about a miscarriage when a woman in the audience might have had one? I don't worship comedy at the end of the day I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.
Bo Burnham
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I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.
Bo Burnham
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My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
Bo Burnham