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I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Bo Burnham

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Bo Burnham
Age: 34
Born: 1990
Born: August 21
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Musician
Pianist
Poet
Rapper
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Television Actor
Hamilton
Massachusetts
Robert Pickering Bo Burnham
Robert Pickering Burnham
Masturbate
Lows
Standards
Whose
Cause
Causes
Enough

More quotes by Bo Burnham

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Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!
Bo Burnham
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In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
Bo Burnham
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I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.
Bo Burnham
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If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
Bo Burnham
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Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Bo Burnham
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Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.
Bo Burnham
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I don't want to try to recreate for no reason. Like, me in my bedroom, singing songs to a camera was a special thing that was at that time in my life. But I'm just not that kid. I like the format of it, but I want to be able to release things for free.
Bo Burnham
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Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
Bo Burnham
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Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don't want to bully people, and I don't want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. I'm actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn't say.
Bo Burnham
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When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.
Bo Burnham
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What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Bo Burnham
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I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.
Bo Burnham
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I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching.
Bo Burnham
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In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.
Bo Burnham
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And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Bo Burnham
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I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.
Bo Burnham
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The average person has one Fallopian tube.
Bo Burnham
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I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.
Bo Burnham
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Do you guys like impressions? Why? That was Socrates.
Bo Burnham
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I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.
Bo Burnham