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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Stage
Didn
Ever
Nothing
Joke
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Absolutely
Died
Told

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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
Billy Connolly
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
Billy Connolly
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I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
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I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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