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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Told
Stage
Didn
Ever
Nothing
Joke
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Absolutely
Died
More quotes by Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
Billy Connolly
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Billy Connolly
I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
Billy Connolly
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Billy Connolly
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Billy Connolly
Don't die until you're dead.
Billy Connolly
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
Billy Connolly
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
Billy Connolly
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Billy Connolly
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
Billy Connolly