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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Asteroids
Hemisphere
Ass
Outside
Call
Asteroid

More quotes by Billy Connolly

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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Billy Connolly
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
Billy Connolly
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
Billy Connolly
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Billy Connolly
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Billy Connolly
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I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
Billy Connolly
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly
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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Billy Connolly
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
Billy Connolly
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Don't die until you're dead.
Billy Connolly
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I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
Billy Connolly
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Billy Connolly
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
Billy Connolly
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Billy Connolly
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
Billy Connolly
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connolly