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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Wrong
Queue
Actually
Queues
Without
Engineer
Joined
Engineers
Became
Becoming
Knowing
Welder

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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
Billy Connolly
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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The more you know the less the better.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
Billy Connolly
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Billy Connolly