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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Pointy
Scissors
Objects
Running
Never

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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
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The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Billy Connolly
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
Billy Connolly
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Billy Connolly
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Billy Connolly
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Billy Connolly