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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Back
Fell
Bars
Street
Murray
Streets
Tryin
Told
Chic
Break
Pocket
Woman
Pockets
Fall
Chocolate
More quotes by Billy Connolly
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I don't aim to offend.
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
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The more you know the less the better.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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