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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
International
Words
Learn
Language
Music
Feel
Swear
Feels
Although
Sorry
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy..
Billy Connolly
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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