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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Language
Music
Feel
Swear
Feels
Although
Sorry
International
Words
Learn
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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