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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Audience
Thing
Arriving
Time
Missed
Killing
Havens
Haven
Members
Late

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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
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I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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