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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Babies
Pretend
Baby
Dead
Purpose
Bastards
More quotes by Billy Connolly
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
Billy Connolly
I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
Billy Connolly
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Billy Connolly
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
Billy Connolly
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
Billy Connolly
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
Billy Connolly
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
Billy Connolly
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
Billy Connolly
Don't die until you're dead.
Billy Connolly
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
Billy Connolly
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Billy Connolly
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
Billy Connolly
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Billy Connolly
