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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Disgrace
Football
Team
Doe
World
Lap
Scotland
More quotes by Billy Connolly
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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The more you know the less the better.
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I don't aim to offend.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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