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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Bits
Utensils
Comes
Bucket
Anything
Buckets
Kitchen
Weight
Advice
Lose
Loses

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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
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