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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Humor
Brand
Funny
Twelve
Past
Brands
Best
Aids
World
Ten
Hearing
Fitted
Asked
Mate
Type
Mates
More quotes by Billy Connolly
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Billy Connolly
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Billy Connolly
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy Connolly
,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
Billy Connolly
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
Billy Connolly
I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Billy Connolly
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
Billy Connolly
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Billy Connolly
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
Billy Connolly
I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
Billy Connolly