Quote

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Humor
Brand
Funny
Twelve
Past
Brands
Best
Aids
World
Ten
Hearing
Fitted
Asked
Mate
Type
Mates

More quotes by Billy Connolly

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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
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Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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