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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Past
Brands
Best
Aids
World
Ten
Hearing
Fitted
Asked
Mate
Type
Mates
Humor
Brand
Funny
Twelve
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
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Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I don't aim to offend.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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