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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Rounds
Liked
Spent
Singing
Arms
Whole
Loathed
Time
Battering
People
Round

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I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
Billy Connolly
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Billy Connolly
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly