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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Else
Baby
Everything
Room
Humor
Paddy
Rooms
Midwife
Comedy
Delivery
Probably
Burns
Funny
Handed
Black
Asked
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Billy Connolly
I don't aim to offend.
Billy Connolly
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Billy Connolly
