Quote

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Rooms
Midwife
Comedy
Delivery
Probably
Burns
Funny
Handed
Black
Asked
Else
Baby
Everything
Room
Humor
Paddy

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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
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I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
Billy Connolly
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
Billy Connolly
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly