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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Wrong
Hate
Tell
Weathermen
Littles
Clothings
Thing
Clothing
Sexy
Weather
Rain

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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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The more you know the less the better.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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