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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Find
Look
Staggers
Looks
Noses
Always
Blow
People
Expect
Humor
Came
Funny

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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy..
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
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