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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
People
Expect
Humor
Came
Funny
Find
Look
Staggers
Looks
Noses
Always
Blow

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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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