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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Made
Tears
Arses
Really
Humor
Trousers
Good
Anyone
Fright
Entangle
Men
Funny
Wire
Terrier
Life
Stuff
Greedy
Terriers
Give
Tear
Barbed
Giving
Cows
Yorkshire
Needs
Nasty
Arse

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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
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I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
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There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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