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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Needs
Nasty
Arse
Made
Tears
Arses
Really
Humor
Trousers
Good
Anyone
Fright
Entangle
Men
Funny
Wire
Terrier
Life
Stuff
Greedy
Terriers
Give
Tear
Barbed
Giving
Cows
Yorkshire

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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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