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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Give
Tear
Barbed
Giving
Cows
Yorkshire
Needs
Nasty
Arse
Made
Tears
Arses
Really
Humor
Trousers
Good
Anyone
Fright
Entangle
Men
Funny
Wire
Terrier
Life
Stuff
Greedy
Terriers

More quotes by Billy Connolly

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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
Billy Connolly
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Billy Connolly
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There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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